True Secret Red Beans and Rice Recipe

I have eaten "Red Beans and Rice" around the world. I have eaten "Red Beans and Rice" in New Orleans, Okinawa, Texas, Indiana, Mexico, California and even South Dakota. If I were to pick the finest place to have eaten Red Beans and Rice it would be Nicholas Junior High in Biloxi Mississippi but, Nicholas is no longer here so I've thought this over for several years and just never really wanted to reveal what it took to make "great" Red Beans and Rice but I will tell you now. See, the truth is that Red Beans and Rice, that you eat in New Orleans or Pop-eye's Chicken and other joints is not the Red Beans and Rice that Southerners eat. Those fake dishes are made with real Red Beans to please the people who "think" Red Beans are used to make "Red Beans and Rice". "Red Beans and Rice" is a recipe that does not involve "Red" beans. True "Red Beans and Rice" is made with Pinto Beans. Nobody eats Red Beans in "Red Beans and Rice". Red Beans are too damn hard all the time. The name is a "misleader" much like the names Iceland and Greenland were intended to be. That way most of you will never make "Red Beans and Rice" that is as good as what a Southerner makes and the secret belongs to us.

Here is a recipe for true "Red Beans and Rice":

1 pound Pinto Beans (soak over night in lightly salted water)
2 rings of Polish Sausage sliced medium to thin (I like the sausage)
1 Jalapeño Pepper
1 whole Yellow Onion
1 Smoked Ham Hock
3 cups of Rice
1 bottle Tabasco
Dash of Salt
Black Pepper

Soak the Pinto Beans overnight and remove the rocks. Anything that doesn't float should be removed. Place in a large pot cover with water and add salt, Smoked Ham Hock, chopped Yellow Onion and sliced Jalapeño Pepper. Cook on medium heat until beans are soft and the Onion is gone. Add all the Polish Sausage and cook until warm. Prepare rice in a separate pot.

To Serve: Fill a bowl three quarters of the way with the Beans and Sausage. Use an Ice Cream scope and place a scope of Rice in the center of the Beans. Flavor the "Red beans and Rice" to your taste with Tabasco. Please do not visit me for 2 days after. This will serve 6 easy.

What Have You Gotten Into This Time?!

Well, now I have done it. Yesterday, I left work a bit early, went home and decided to clean underneath the seats of my Miata. I know, most of you are thinking "why would anyone be so concerned about how clean the underside of a car seat is"? I wasn't but, this is still a new car for me and Mary mentioned tat she saw a golf ball under the passenger seat and could not reach it and I thought "ya know, I should really check this car out and make sure there is nothing in this car that could get me in trouble". See, when you drive through a military installation gate everyday you are honestly providing unquestionable consent to allow the military to search your vehicle. If they find something in your car you could be banned from the base, fired from your job and other bad kinds of things. In the past the Military Police had offered a free new vehicle search to members so they could be sure that the car was clean. I have neglected to have this done since buying the car in October thus, I was cleaning under the seats. I cleaned under the passenger side, found a golf ball, change a couple of shopping bags and some old post-it notes. I switched to the drivers side and slide my watched encrusted left hand under the seat. I could feel some change, grabbed it and tried to pull my hand out. It wasn't happening. My watch was preventing me from pulling my hand from under the seat! I was STUCK, Trapped, the big "You ain't goin nowhere"!

I was close to panicking but, like being close to throwing up, I calmed down and tried to think my way through this. I tried, for some time (only and estimate because I couldn't see my watch) like 15 minutes but no good. The watch latch would not come open and I couldn't slip my hand out moving the seat forward or back. I tried everything including removing the seat mounting bolts (my ratchet and sockets were within reach). Nothing worked. I was able to get to my cell phone and I tried to think about who I could call. I couldn't call Mary because she doesn't have a phone (her choice) and she couldn't have solved this issue anyway. I called my brother Mike, just to tell him how stupid I was (he was throwing discus with his buddy Mark. Yes, the Olympic type discus, don't ask. . I'll explain in a future posting). I texted several people and generally just burned time. Now I knew Tyler had finished his day at school and it was just across town (15 minute drive) so I called him and casually explained my predicament. Tyler said he was on his way. I sat there for some time (15 more minutes) and thought if through to myself about what Tyler could do and decided I needed more help so I called 911. I explained my predicament again, was transferred to the Fire Department, explained again and they said they would drive over to help. Well, as all thing happen, everyone showed up at the same time. Tyler pulled in the driveway (brought a buddy because you can't see something like this alone) the Paramedics pulled up in front of the house (no siren) followed by a really big fire truck (with a very loud siren) and behind them all, my wife Mary!

My son and Buddy were laughing while waving the Paramedics up to the garage, the Paramedics came running up to help. I explained my condition one more time and one of the Paramedics (who must have a lot of free workout time judging from their size) used my ratchet to break a seat bolt loose. Lifted that corner of the seat and I pulled my hand out. Relief all around! That's when Mary came up with her High School Math Teacher voice said "What is going on here"?! With guilt filled looks, me, Tyler, Tyler's friend Josh, 2 Paramedics all looked at Mary and shrugged our shoulders in the guilty stupid boy fashion. We were busted! In the end, I spent a good hour stuck am glad it's over and will be more careful in the future.